In Myself I Trust

Being in a relationship and staying who you are isn't an easy task, believe me I know.  Not only in romantic relationships is it difficult, but interacting with people, period.  The more emotionally attached, the more we are affected.  A common pitfall we find ourselves in is allowing another person's truth or view of reality to overshadow our own.  In these cases we become powerless to the other person and start to only see their way.  This is more than apparent in emotionally or physically abusive relationships where one person, through power and control, preys on someone with a weak sense of self.

If you find yourself or hear someone saying "I don't even know who I am anymore," I lose myself in relationships," or "where do I begin and you end?" you know it is indicating a loss of self and an over-identification of another's beliefs.  More often than not it is a parent-child relationship, or romantic partnership relationship where there is a need to be loved.  Be aware of the emotion "resentment", as it also indicates this type of relationship is present.  Resentment comes when too much power is given to the other person and we don't listen to ourselves.
Here are some important things to remember.  No matter what you are still you despite the kind of relationship you are in.  You are of equal importance to ANYONE standing in front of you.  You bring your unique perspective, experiences, and passions that offer a different way of seeing the world and that is everything.  There are people who only think from their perspective and are incapable of really hearing and seeing you, which is frustrating, but at the same time knowing this can help you to let go of the need for their approval or understanding.  Own who you are, your weaknesses, your strengths, and never give up.  

 

Undressing New Orleans...

Cemetery at night in downtown New Orleans

The "Voodoo Queen", Marie Laveau's grave, where people leave trinkets and mark  x's to pay homage.

Trinkets left at Marie Laveau's grave

Pink ladies showing their stuff

Photograph of the photographer

Pounding fists while celebrating Mardi Gras

Free beer and music at New Orleans brewery

Local Mardi Gras party

The devastating effects of hurricanes is apparent throughout New Orleans

The method used during Katrina to indicate the need of  the inhabitants 

One Girl and One Boy...

I learned a lot this evening, mostly about acceptance with who I am. We all want to do it better. We all want to change the past. We all want to right a wrong and take back something we wished we hadn't done. Yet the underlying truth we must face is, we can't.  However, if love and truth lead the way we will forever be on the right path.

My lessons tonight come from my boyfriend's parents, Norma and Steve. They have been married 46 years, hoping to get to 50, despite Norma's debilitating multiple sclerosis that has been looming over her head since she was diagnosed over 30 years ago. Here they sit on their couch in Indiana, holding hands in front of me, and smiling at each other as if they had just met yesterday. You bet I had something to learn, not only learn but experience firsthand the kind of love that, according to Steve, allowed Norma to be who she is. Her childhood is one that should never be experienced by anyone, yet in finding her way out she found her power by correcting injustices in the world around her .  In Steve's eyes, the man who has loved her dearly throughout their lives together sees “only her heart."  "Even when she's critical or hard on herself, I just love her so.” 

I thought about the women who I respect, the women I admire above all others, and I realized they were women who stood up for what was just.  These were women who acted with honesty and integrity and asked for forgiveness later.  One of my favorite quotes from Laurel Thatcher Ulrich reads, "Well-behaved women seldom make history."  Although Norma may not make the history books, her presence in my memory is one that will forever bring admiration.

One awesome Norma story takes place in 2004 at a KKK rally outside the courthouse in downtown Elkhart, Indiana.  She forced Steve to take her and her homemade sign which read, "KKK- Straight From The Bowels Of Hell", to the event in order to protest.  Keep in mind the MS had left her unable to walk without using a walker, yet the police thinking the walker could be used as a weapon, made Norma leave it behind.  With her sign in hand, holding onto fencing to pull her way to the heart of the crowd, she found her place to stand up and allow her voice to be heard.

Sometimes I get mouthy. Other times I get opinionated, stubbornly so. And yet even other times I overstep my boundaries, tell someone off and question whether I should just sit down, shut up, and "act like a lady". But, just as Steve learned about Norma, I so pass on to you...don't worry about how you say it, or even about overreacting in the moment.  Be strong, hold to your virtues, and if your heart is in the right place, if you lead with love and honesty, you will shine through.  

Trust me...

Discipline: the act of adhering to strict guidelines now for a greater result in later.

My desire to question the incessant thoughts running rampant in my head has lead to mind-body awareness exercises such as meditation, yoga and fasting.  The critical voice in my head came out in full force during a 30-day yoga challenge saying, "you can't do this", "you don't follow through with anything", "what in the hell is wrong with you?!"  This critical voice caught my attention because never before was I so aware of how negative and sneaky it was.

Last September I decided to up the bar by disciplining my mind through fasting.  My intention was to put myself in an uncomfortable situation and learn from it.   I believe discomfort to be a key ingredient to strengthening and healing the inner self.  For ten days I drank only water and tracked in a journal the thoughts in my head.  I realized that our convenience-based society where quick, efficient, and easy are the norm, it is in turn creating laziness and a disdain for anything having to work for. The problem with easy is in order to quit an addiction, change a habit, or transform your life in a positive way it is NOT easy.  The question is not whether it is easy but whether it is worth it?  And more importantly am I worth it?
More often than not, we impulsively think and act on thoughts , without so much a question as to their validity.  The problem is the voice telling us to "have just one more bite", "I can always quit smoking tomorrow", or "it's not that big of a deal", is a liar.  Without curiosity and discipline, the impulsive behavior continues, we feel negatively about ourselves, old patterns continue and worst of all we don't trust ourselves.  No wonder we feel crazy, out of control, and confused.  The ability to be consistent, draw a line in the sand, and stick to our goals builds trust.  I believe trust to be sole basis of change.  

If you say you're going to do something, do it.  If you don't know, don't think you can or don't want to, be honest and say so.  Honesty with yourself is the key ingredient to rebuilding trust. Remember, the voice in your head is critical or complimentary depending on your emotional state.  The less developed, weaker, emotionally scarred voice says "you don't follow through with anything," "this is impossible" and "you're worthless and I don't believe in you."  To be empathetic to this aspect of yourself, let yourself know you're learning to trust yourself again, and that you've got everything under control will help soothe yourself during those times of utter confusion and lack of direction.  Step by step trust will start to return and the goals you set will be met.  Start small and simple.  An example would be to promise to read this blog each week.  Once you do that, then move onto bigger and better, well maybe not better, things.  Ha.

White's only...

Bench for Carlotta Walls LaNier  of the Little Rock Nine

I am grounded in Elkhart, Indiana at my boyfriend's parents home.  To sit and type an email is such a luxury.  I am sitting in a recliner, with a warm cup of coffee, next to a fire with luxurious internet and electricity at my fingertips.  Everything is amazingly convenient here.  I like that I forgot this lifestyle and have grown to appreciate an existence "without".  

The day prior to Martin Luther King Jr. day, Miles and I walked the grounds of Central Little Rock High School in Arkansas. It was here desegregation of the all white school took place, where nine African American students were escorted by Federal troops into the school building on September 23, 1957. While there, I envisioned the fear and uncertainty that each of these individuals must have faced in their decision to take a step closer to human equality.

Speaking of equality, we watched the movie "Lincoln" last night.  It stirred  emotions inside me from great frustration and sadness to a peace of mind that there are individuals with reasoning and awareness such as President Lincoln's, in times of great confusion and strife.  I suppose that's what I hope for my life;  to be faced with adversity/ignorance and hold to wisdom and love for humanity.  I'm toying with how to apply my mental health degree in some form that is both creative and innovative.  The way I experienced the "system" as it is, is not as effective as it can be, which is fine, but just not for me.  

This adventure of mine is close to the end of its fifth month.  I look back three months ago and the experiences and memories seem like forever.  I have experienced such an incredible amount of life that it seems, compared to most, that time has stood still or even stopped.  I had a theory years ago about the secret to the fountain of youth, or at least how to slow down time.  Time for children moves slowly due to the constant processing of new stimuli and creating their schema for life.  I have basically reverted back to having "child eyes".  Instead of accepting someone's opinion of something, their judgment based off of their experience, I get to be objective and see firsthand for myself.  I realize how often we accept our reality from textbooks, other people's experiences, the web, etc. without experiencing it firsthand.  

And most importantly, I thought of my experience of visiting the Lincoln Memorial, standing in the same spot Martin Luther King, Jr. stood and gave his eloquent and iconic speech and seeing countless names of soldiers who had died in the Vietnam War.  No one can take these moments from me; the silent, sorrowful moments where I have felt utterly lost by the immensity of human pain and suffering that has gone before me. To even feel that pain for a moment is more than I wish for anyone, past, present or future. Although I am only one person, I vow to use my time on this earth to do as the great Martin Luther King did before me, and add as much peace, love, and understanding to a world desperately needing it.

Shave the small stuff...

As I said in the “Shave the Quails” post, my birthday was the day to shave my head. Well, I did it. While in Pecos, Texas a big bellied barber cut and shaved off my hair. He was very worried I was going to change my mind during the cut and asked several times “you sure you're not going to shoot me?” Needless to say I didn't shoot him.  Rather, I had a huge smile on my face and was relatively at peace. Not having hair makes me feel surprisingly powerful and beautiful. I am blessed to be able to make a choice to help someone who isn't as lucky to have the same choice.  I will be posting the video shortly.

We are currently on a desolate stretch of highway in northern Texas, heading to Big Bend National Park. A moment ago we hurriedly brought the van to a halt so we could catch a glimpse of a pack of javelina (a pig-like animal), a first for both Miles and me. When we reached the van we were so overwhelmed with joy we slapped hands for a hearty high five.

All in all, life is good. Being passionate livers of life, Miles and I continue to push through the rocky, prideful moments, where nothing is going right

 and it may be easier if we packed it in and went home. It is our honesty that gets us through. It is our ability to say “that hurt when you did that” and for the other to listen empathetically. It's not always easy, and it's not always fun but together we continue to keep pushing to see what just might be on the other side.